Kathleen's Favorite Jokes

April 2001 - The Newest Martial Art
Many animal-based forms of martial arts are fairly well-known, the crane, the tiger, the drunken monkey, and so forth. Now, after many years of secrecy and obscurity, it can be shown - The little-known kitten style...!

 March 2001 - St. Patrick's Day Quiz

Answer: 3 pints and a chip!

February 2001 - Be Careful What You Wish For
Click here for a great cartoon!

January 2001 - Scotsman's Paradise
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havan' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old Single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

December 2000 - Sister Act
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

November 2000 - Playing Through
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havan' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old Single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

October 2000 - Some Crazy Law

• In Temperance, Miss., you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
• In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
• In Kansas City, Kan., saying the name George Washington without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• An old statute in Flint, Mich., compels dentists to offer a "slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient."
• In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn't developing homosexual tendencies.
  The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name San Francisco. It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• In Raleigh, N.C., before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life."
• Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Ala.
• In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on Aug. 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.

September 2000 - Rude Awakening
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.
Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.
Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was--and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"

August 2000 - How to Keep a Woman From Spending Money
You just have to see it to understand. Click here!

July 2000 - The Funeral
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog, when the dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest he asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature,"
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away. Do ya think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Glory be to God! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

June 2000 - Traveling Light
A Scotsman was travelling across the Forth Bridge when he was asked for his ticket. After searching himself without success he told the inspector he must have lost his ticket. The inspector did not believe this. So he questioned the Scotsman further, but the Scot insisted on sticking to his story. Eventually the inspector lost his temper and threw the Scot's large suitcase over the bridge. 'Hoots, mon!' complained the Scot. 'First ye try to make me pay twice, and then ya droon ma wee boy!'