Toasts

Here's to women... would that we could fall into their arms, instead of their hands.

Here's to happiness... I never knew happiness until I got married. Now it's too late.

Here's to you, here's to me, in hopes we never disagree. But if we do, the Hell with you.... Here's to me!

Here's to marriage, for man is not complete until he's married... and then he's finished.

Here's to the ships of our navy, and to the ladies of our land. May the former be well rigged and the latter be well manned.

Here's to our wives and sweethearts. May they never meet.

Here's to good old whiskey, so amber and so clear, 'tis not so sweet as a woman's lips, but a damn sight more sincere.

Here's to my mother-in-law, who still calls me a son... But I never let her finish the sentence.

Here's to the woman of my dreams, who looks like a million... and is just as hard to make.

Here's to the game they call Ten Toes, it's played all over down. The girls all play with ten toes up, the boys with ten toes down.

Here's to a love, a love that will linger. I gave her the ring... and she gave me the finger.

Here's to abstinence... as long as it's practiced in moderation.

Here's to the flea, that jumped over me, and bit the ass of my little missus.

Here's to King Solomon, ruler and sage, the wisest of men in histories page. He had wives by the thousand, and thought it was fun... Here's hoping you'll know how to handle just one.

Limericks
All limericks written by Scott Hendricks, copyright 1994

A right twisted wrench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author's note to the ladies: "She was a werewolf. Now is it funny?")

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

Now this right old was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

'Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to annoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

The History of the Minstrel, Part 1

Written by Scott Hendricks

What makes a person give up a secure life for the uncertainty of a career in music? Is it because that person is mentally ill? Or is it because that person is a glutton for punishment? In the case of the minstrel, it is usually both. But when did the first minstrel appear? Come with me as together we explore The History of the Minstrel.

The Stone Age Minstrel

The Dawn of Man: A violent and savage time for all concerned... especially those concerned about all the violence and savagery going on. Still, in the midst of all this chaos, the minstrel emerged. The Stone Age Minstrel was very limited. He only knew one chord on his guitar, and he got that one wrong most of the time.

Lyrics were especially challenging for the cave dwelling minstrel for two reasons: The first being, of course, that speaking had not yet been invented, and second, it proved profoundly difficult to find a word that rhymed with "URGH."

As suddenly as the first minstrel was born, just as suddenly was his demise. A cave-in resulting from a piercing E-sharp buried poor Ogg, ending his life and subsequently his career, yet ironically, garnishing him history's first applause.

It was not until the Iron Age that the minstrel can back into being. Unfortunately it was being a nuisance, and so he was chased out of his homeland making history as becoming the first travelling minstrel.

As he made his way about the countryside, he composed songs for all his new experiences. He wrote, "Ode to a Babbling Brook," "Ode to the Trees," "Ode to a Large Rock that Looks Like a Duck if you Squint Your Eyes Just right," and of course, the haunting classic, "Ode to a Huge Man Who Beat the Living Snot Out of Me." His biggest hit is transcribed here for the first time.

I spied a robin on a hill
It's wings outstretched to catch the light
And joy within my heart did fill
To be moved by such a wondrous sight.

A flash of brown, a flash of red
This robin flew into the sky
And as I gazed up overhead
He went and shat into mine eye

(From "Ode to a Filthy Robin That I Ate")

He was in the midst of writing, "Ode to a Long Slender Thing That Slithers and Rattles It's Tail," when tragedy struck...

-- End Part 1 --